The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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