That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
