My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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