Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
FUCK WHALES
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