i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
