Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
