If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
