an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
