I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
