It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
