Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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