if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
