I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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