The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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