ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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