I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
