So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
