did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
