Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
