The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize