I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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