Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Got a toothbrush?
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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