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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
