your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
