I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
