Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
