It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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