My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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