So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
