i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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