So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
