I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
