I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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