So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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