..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
