first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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