I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
