I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
