I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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