If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
