If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
