First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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