We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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