You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
