do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
