i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
