"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
