so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
