I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
God, I missed his penis.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
