I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
