why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize