I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Congratulations! We have a period
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
