Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You have to summon your inner elephant
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
