...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
