My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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