i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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