Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
