our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
