Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
