I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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