goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
